please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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