there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
