my shit smells like andre
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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