it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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