never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
