just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
