Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
