I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
