So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
