i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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