I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
