Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
