rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
