I love black thongs
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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