My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
