The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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