OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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