Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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