Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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