There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
