Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
