Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
