I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
