I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
