Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
