The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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