Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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