So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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