i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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