Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
