so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
