i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
