mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
