My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
