just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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