Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
