so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
