my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
