All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
