First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
third nipple confirmed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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