well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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