You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
