My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
