im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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