I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
