i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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