Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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