Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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