I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
