Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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