I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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