i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
