i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
