if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
