i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize