It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
