What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
