did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Randomize
