How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Jerry, you need to find god
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
