Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
