WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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