My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
