I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
