it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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