he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
