Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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