I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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